5 months in LID Country

I'm reflecting on the last five months of emotional wreckage. Wreckage!! I know it is nothing compared to the people who missed their referral by one frickin' day today!!! Some have been waiting for 14 months. 14 months. It humbles me.

I am at 15 months from the first phone call to my homestudy agency.

One LID group from my agency will get their referrals today. Then..... not until they get to August 24, 2005 with they have more referrals. I hope, HOPE, HOPE, HOPE, that they will get referrals next month-though I seriously doubt it. The CCAA has not done that amount of referrals in a very long time. August 24, 2005 is a HUGE date for dossiers. At my agency alone there are several DTC groups on that date.

I am not even to Review yet! Four more months to go for even that.

I am very reluctant to put much personal stuff on this blog and have kept quite a few things to myself (if you can believe that). This has definitely been an eventful year. An eventful past 5 months.

I'm trying to figure out why these things have been happening. I have had a lot of personal growth the last few months. Some huge life decisions (besides the gigantic one of becoming a mother again) have had to be made. I am in transition. Is this why things are taking so long? I have been reading a lot of memoirs, blogs, etc. and many women around my age (early to mid thirties) have made huge transitions in their lives. Is this when we realize that our careers are less important than the rest of our life? What the hell have I been working for or towards? I am missing my life.

My SW says I need to learn how NOT to be in control. I was thinking. When have I ever let myself not be in control? NEVER. Does that make me less of a person? I used to think that it was a positive thing. I know- really I know this- I can make anything happen in my life. If I set my mind to it I can do it! I have done it. Is this a new level of development? It is a whole new consciousness to know that you can never really be in control? I know I can't be in control of everything- I can't control what others do- blatantly clear to me- but I always thought I could control MOST of the things that I work towards. I don't know- enough of that. I am at a precipice. Maybe not at a precipice- a path that splits into several different directions- I think I'm in control of which one I take. I am aren't I?