Not So Easy

Careful..... This is yet another angry, confused rant.

I was supposed to be writing my grateful/relief list every day. Not workin' out.
It is impossible for me to get over these fears in one day. Every time I start thinking about my list I am supposed to say:

"I am NOW healthy, whole, complete and Highly successful"

Ummmmm....... What if I don't believe it?

WTF? Highly successful? I'm sitting on my ass in front of a computer obsessively pushing the send/receive button on my e-mail.

I am waiting for......... a response from my son's birth sisters. I think I scared them off.

I am waiting for a miraculous e-mail that states my LID has been moved up and I will receive a referral next batch.

I am waiting for some assurance that my body truly IS healthy & whole. They say it is. How do they REALLY know?

I am waiting for some sign to tell me which way to go. After looking at hotel room rates in Moscow- there is NO WAY I can go there and get that beautiful little girl in Moscow. Moscow hotels are the most expensive in the WORLD. I kid you not. I feel like shit! Why wouldn't someone take her? After reading about the mounting numbers of assaults on people of color in Russia- I feel like a coward for not taking out yet another loan to bring her home. Why can't I accept this and MOVE ON!

I will not, I repeat WILL NOT give INS anymore money toward an adoption from China. Not my China agency or my Homestudy agency either. MONEY MONEY MONEY hate it!

Maybe this IS it. Maybe I AM supposed to go US route.