I have permission to post this by the author. This is true.
I have just returned from Hanoi, Viet Nam where I am building an orphanage.
We have been involved with my 101/2 yr. old daughter's birth mom, sister and extended family for over 2 years now.
I decided to visit Hoa even though my daughter was not with me on this trip. I decided that, as she has invited me several times, I would take her up on her offer of staying overnight in the home we helped her build.
I did not have an interpreteur...just a Handycam and lots of sign language and mutual admiration. Where she lives is poor, dirt poor. But there is love and food, and we help her out. When I arrived, I was stunned. There stood a woman who was a mere ghost of herself from our last get together in March. She was beyond thin, she was emaciated....She said she couldn't eat, it hurt. She had seen a doctor in a neighboring small town, but the medication was not helping, and basically, she had just decided that she was going to waste away.................................No, she had not thought to contact our mutual friend, a woman Dr. in Hanoi. She did not want to bother her.
That night, as I sat in the dark on the table which was my bed and watched fireworks go off above the local paddies (though they are illegal they are everywhere in the countryside and though there was no exact holiday---they were just setting them off)-------I agnonized.
This erie flashing of lights and noise made me think of VN during the war.......how it must have felt to sit in the dark and wait. This time the enemy was internal. I knew Hoa was very ill. I returned to Hanoi in 2 days with Hoa. Fortunately my husband has taught surgery at Viet Duc Hospital (the best in the No. for surgery) and we got right in to see Dr. Son. Two days later the tests confirmed my fears. Hoa has colon CA. She had surgery and is recovering for two weeks, then the chemotherapy will start. She made all the decisions. I made sure she knew all the facts. She was offered care abroad. We cried and held each other as I told her we would adopt Lily's sister if that need arose, and we would support her and take care of her if she chose to have her remain in VN.
I told her I was not going to tell Lily until after the Holiday's and that we would be back in early Feb. to see her. I told here she had to fight this with all her strength...that she was loved by so many, especially the girls.
She told Dr. Son she had only one request before surgery...that I be there. She did well post-op and went back to her village to rest before chemostarts in 2 weeks on the day I left VN, 48 hours ago. This is not about me folks....but let me share with you some of the things that are going through my mind. I will, to my dying day, support birth family searches.
No matter how this turns out, how painful for my daughter, she will have known and loved her mother. If I had not visited this trip, the tumor was so invasive it would shortly have eroded through the bowel and she would have been dead when we returned as planned in March/April. I believe that this was suppposed to happen. I believe that Lily and Hoa have to see each other---maybe not for much longer, and maybe we'll be lucky. I believe in medicine and I believe in love (call the latter God, Buddha, karma, whatever.)
I made sure that Hoa knew everything---side effects, how cancer spreads and how chemo works. She said she believes we will someday (we've always joked about being Ba's together for Lily's kids) have grandchildren that we need to be there together for...whatever it takes.
She doesn'twant to recouperate and be sick but she realizes that she has to go against everything she knows and must rest and eat as her family takes care of her. She is in touch with death in a calm way, one I can't describe...there is no fear, anger or denial. Just wishful thinking....I can't describe it. I cried and cried. She just looked sad. She carries this burden as she has all of the struggles in her life...extreme poverty, abuse, hunger, relinquishing Lily, divorce, ---all of it with an incredible composure, an acceptance that does not impart defeat, but rather innitiates a realigning of her inner strengths to carry on.
No wonder the Vietnamese won the war.............................I just am praying that this battle is won as well.
So, as you debate the rights and wrongs of searches I pause to think---briefly---of how much easier this all would have been if I had not searched on my own and found my daughter's birth mother those 10 long years ago. How I promised her then, that if and when Lily expressed a desire to know her, I would return with her to Viet Nam. I know that it was destiny that at 8 Lily and our family returned for a wonderful reunion with our other family---at my daughter's request.
And most of all, I am greatful for the time Lily has had with the woman who gave her life. Each person must make their own decision. This is how it all came down for us.
In the e-mail that gives me permission to post this, she said:
Hello CAMomma,
That would be OK for you to post my letter on your blog, and send it on to whomoever you wish. I am hoping it will help those considering searching to really consider the possibilities...Some seem so rather casual about it, and some seem overly paranoid and reactive. I feel that it is just about family...we are just all humans looking for love, support, understanding and brotherhood. In the ever increasing list of intense events that have tought me great lessons in life...knowing Hoa is right up there...
Sincerely,
K****
I have just returned from Hanoi, Viet Nam where I am building an orphanage.
We have been involved with my 101/2 yr. old daughter's birth mom, sister and extended family for over 2 years now.
I decided to visit Hoa even though my daughter was not with me on this trip. I decided that, as she has invited me several times, I would take her up on her offer of staying overnight in the home we helped her build.
I did not have an interpreteur...just a Handycam and lots of sign language and mutual admiration. Where she lives is poor, dirt poor. But there is love and food, and we help her out. When I arrived, I was stunned. There stood a woman who was a mere ghost of herself from our last get together in March. She was beyond thin, she was emaciated....She said she couldn't eat, it hurt. She had seen a doctor in a neighboring small town, but the medication was not helping, and basically, she had just decided that she was going to waste away.................................No, she had not thought to contact our mutual friend, a woman Dr. in Hanoi. She did not want to bother her.
That night, as I sat in the dark on the table which was my bed and watched fireworks go off above the local paddies (though they are illegal they are everywhere in the countryside and though there was no exact holiday---they were just setting them off)-------I agnonized.
This erie flashing of lights and noise made me think of VN during the war.......how it must have felt to sit in the dark and wait. This time the enemy was internal. I knew Hoa was very ill. I returned to Hanoi in 2 days with Hoa. Fortunately my husband has taught surgery at Viet Duc Hospital (the best in the No. for surgery) and we got right in to see Dr. Son. Two days later the tests confirmed my fears. Hoa has colon CA. She had surgery and is recovering for two weeks, then the chemotherapy will start. She made all the decisions. I made sure she knew all the facts. She was offered care abroad. We cried and held each other as I told her we would adopt Lily's sister if that need arose, and we would support her and take care of her if she chose to have her remain in VN.
I told her I was not going to tell Lily until after the Holiday's and that we would be back in early Feb. to see her. I told here she had to fight this with all her strength...that she was loved by so many, especially the girls.
She told Dr. Son she had only one request before surgery...that I be there. She did well post-op and went back to her village to rest before chemostarts in 2 weeks on the day I left VN, 48 hours ago. This is not about me folks....but let me share with you some of the things that are going through my mind. I will, to my dying day, support birth family searches.
No matter how this turns out, how painful for my daughter, she will have known and loved her mother. If I had not visited this trip, the tumor was so invasive it would shortly have eroded through the bowel and she would have been dead when we returned as planned in March/April. I believe that this was suppposed to happen. I believe that Lily and Hoa have to see each other---maybe not for much longer, and maybe we'll be lucky. I believe in medicine and I believe in love (call the latter God, Buddha, karma, whatever.)
I made sure that Hoa knew everything---side effects, how cancer spreads and how chemo works. She said she believes we will someday (we've always joked about being Ba's together for Lily's kids) have grandchildren that we need to be there together for...whatever it takes.
She doesn'twant to recouperate and be sick but she realizes that she has to go against everything she knows and must rest and eat as her family takes care of her. She is in touch with death in a calm way, one I can't describe...there is no fear, anger or denial. Just wishful thinking....I can't describe it. I cried and cried. She just looked sad. She carries this burden as she has all of the struggles in her life...extreme poverty, abuse, hunger, relinquishing Lily, divorce, ---all of it with an incredible composure, an acceptance that does not impart defeat, but rather innitiates a realigning of her inner strengths to carry on.
No wonder the Vietnamese won the war.............................I just am praying that this battle is won as well.
So, as you debate the rights and wrongs of searches I pause to think---briefly---of how much easier this all would have been if I had not searched on my own and found my daughter's birth mother those 10 long years ago. How I promised her then, that if and when Lily expressed a desire to know her, I would return with her to Viet Nam. I know that it was destiny that at 8 Lily and our family returned for a wonderful reunion with our other family---at my daughter's request.
And most of all, I am greatful for the time Lily has had with the woman who gave her life. Each person must make their own decision. This is how it all came down for us.
In the e-mail that gives me permission to post this, she said:
Hello CAMomma,
That would be OK for you to post my letter on your blog, and send it on to whomoever you wish. I am hoping it will help those considering searching to really consider the possibilities...Some seem so rather casual about it, and some seem overly paranoid and reactive. I feel that it is just about family...we are just all humans looking for love, support, understanding and brotherhood. In the ever increasing list of intense events that have tought me great lessons in life...knowing Hoa is right up there...
Sincerely,
K****
2 comments:
Wow...what an amazing story. What a fortunate thing to have met the birthmom, and so sad she is going through something so difficult and frightening. Hope she has not resolved so much that she cannot recover...ones will can have a huge effect on their life and health...thank you for sharing.
I love this.
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