How ON EARTH do people bear this?
A post about a client of my DH. I feel odd about posting this but I HAVE to get it out.
She is a Fos-Adopt parent who hasn't made it to the Adopt phase. She has asked repeatedly to have the time frame extended. It has been over 6 months that she has had "Star" and "DJ" in her home. They are two years and just five years old. Very tiny,beautiful,bright eyed girls. She has always had "older" Foster placements (age 11 years and up).
As long as she has had these girls she has complained of their behavior as unacceptable. She said that if she hands the little one a tissue to wipe her nose, that DJ wipes it but then eats the tissue. Ummmm...... my little one would have done that too. She says that the girls have behavioral problems because they fight over toys. Hello? They are two and five! There are MANY other examples but I won't get into them.
I KNOW that I don't have these girls every day. It is not my place to judge. I just know how young children act. I've had little ones in my home for a decade. I KNOW! I DON'T have them every day for 6 months.
Star and DJ spent the night and two days with me for "respite". We had a great time.
These girls are not perfect. They have delays but they are not "severely disabled" this woman says they are. Her SW has decided to place the girls in another home. This will be their 27th move.
"I'm just not bonded" she says.
This is my problem.... I am crying right now.. thinking that I will not see them again. My DH is heartbroken because he has seen these girls almost every week since they have been placed with this woman, he will miss them. The girls are friends with our children.
I would take these little ones in a second!!!! It is not my choice. As I said....
How do people bear this? I've only had them in my home off and on, not full time. How could I handle a child that I have held and played with every day and tucked in every night placed away from me?
Our Fos-Adopt agency says that they will not place a child in our home that isn't on the adopt "track". What if something happens? What if the child's SW doesn't think we are acceptable?
I KNEW that this would be part of the deal. I walked into this program with open eyes knowing that it could be a possibility. Why am I so hurt about this? The girls are not even placed with ME and I am a blubbery mess. I couldn't even really tell them goodbye because their "Mother" hasn't told them about the move yet.
What kills me is that Star would talk about her "Mommy" with such confidence and just... I guess possession. MY Mom.
9 comments:
Ugh. This is my everyday. Kinda. In a second hand sort of way I suppose.
Tonight I told a 6 and 9 year old they would have their last visit with their mom tomorrow. She's given up on them and their 2 younger brothers.
It was heartbreaking.
At the same time it's a step in the right direction for them to have a better life.
But it's never easy.
I really feel for you. I would request the SW keep you updated and maybe provide your info to the new home and tell them you're willing to continue providing respite. If the placement exaggerates their issues, the new placement may want and need your input.
Try to figure out the best way you can help these girls move on. There's nothing you can do about the rest but pray. And cry when they're not looking....
Oh boy. You are a blubbery mess because you have a big heart. Because these girls deserve a stable home, not TWENTY-SEVEN freaking moves in 5 short years. Because this woman didn't appreciate what she had in these girls.
You may feel terrible, but I can tell that the fos-adopt kid(s) who end up in your family are going to be the luckiest kids around.
Heartbreaking on so many levels. I couldn't do fost-adopt and yu've eloquently touched on one reason why
Oh, my.
How sad that this woman doesn't seem to have the capacity to care for them as they are...
Heartbreaking.
Hang in there.
I think if you weren't a blubbery mess, you wouldn't be able to be the awesome, caring mama that you are. I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this.
I didn't see an email for you, so on a much lighter note, you can do the letter "L" for your letter meme.
I am so sad for those little girls and all the kids in the same situation.
I worry about some of the babies I deliver who are sent 'home' with unprepared paretns. The parents can meet the base minimum of needs but the poor kiddos are missing out on so much.
I know you know...I have learned that kids do not behave the same way they do on respite as they do at home. I have learned the hard way. It could be that there is something else that she cannot quite express. So often the behaviors that I have seen wear people out are not big, terrible things. They are every day, unrelenting, wear you down sort of things.
But that does not make it easier. I do know how you feel. There are kids whom I have loved, to whom I have given respite, who have been moved and whom I wished I could take but could not. It hurts. It really hurts.
I burst into tears over Miss E on Friday.
I would like to invite you over for a cup of tea. We could sit and cry together.
Heartbreaking.
Wow. This is such a sad situation. That is repeated over and over again everyday for kids who are "in care". It breaks my heart completely. So much for "the system".
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