Second Call

Got a call yesterday from a SW from my agency. Not mine because of course she's on vacation until the 20th. She told me she faxed our homestudy to a county looking to place a sibling set of a boy and girl both under 4 yrs. They are being disrupted. The SW didn't seem too informed because she was not at the disclosure meeting. Ummm... who WAS there?

Does this sound a little familiar to you? It should as they are the exact ages and situation as the last call I received. Guess what? All four of these kids are from the same county. Both potential adoptive parents are struggling with the decision whether they want to become parents or not.

I am told that both sets of children are just exhibiting normal toddler behavior but that both girls are a little on the extreme side (I'm thinking attachment problems).

I'm feeling very cautious about this call.

Here are the facts:

They want to move these kids before the week is out, saying they don't want the children to attach to the disruptive parents any more (they have only been there a month or so).

The SW doesn't have any disclosure info on these kids.

They are telling me that this has to absolutely be the last move for these kids as the sister is starting to show signs of attachment issues.

My husband and I are slated to leave for Hawaii (shhhh, don't tell DH as it is a surprise) that I paid for quite a while ago as our last hurrah before becoming parents again, on the 20th, the day MY SW gets back. (I know, I feel totally guilty and selfish and just plain sh***y for saying this)

MY SW called me in a dither last night about 10 pm as she rec'd this other SW's message re: these children possibly being placed in our home. She feels very uncomfortable that she has not been able to meet and observe these children, that the other SW doesn't have all the info, and that she herself has raised a little girl that she adopted as an infant internationally that had mild attachment problems that lasted for YEARS. She has known our family for years (obviously) and does not want the other children to suffer as hers had to. This morning she took over the campground's office to send me these questions to ask, I thought you all might like to have them for yourselves.

1) Why were they taken into the system?
2) What is their placement history?
3) Specifically why were they moved from each home?
4) Describe each child's mood and behavior at waking up, bathing, napping, going to bed, meal times, driving, playing with other children?
5) Do they like to be held?
6) Will they seek out affection?
7) Do they make eye contact consistently?
8) How do they respond when told no?
9) How do they respond when bothered by another child?
10) When they tantrum how long? what techniques have worked to calm them?
11) Do they awake at night? How are they calmed if yes?
12) Do they show preference for either parent?
13) Do they have a favorite toy?
14) Do they disconnect/withdraw emotionally?
15) How much TV do they watch?
16) What % of the day is positive behavior?
17) What is their bedtime routine?
18) How much time have they played with other children?
19) What is their legal status?
20) How loud are they?
21) Is their energy level moderate, high or extremely high? Give examples?
22) Do they play independently? If yes for how long?
23) Do they disrupt other children's play?
24) Can you redirect negative behavior?
25) Are they aggressive towards others?

She also says she does not know why the children cannot wait until she gets back from vacation to meet them.

Here is the biggest red flag for me- my husband who was all for the previous two, really has some reservations about this call and wants to wait for our SW to get back.

I think he may be right. I know this is not true but every time I get one of these calls, it feels like my last chance to be a mother again. I have the HARDEST time saying no.

What my SW keeps telling me though is that of course I want to say yes to all of them but saying yes to an unknown and uninformed (us) sib set is saying yes to what cost? Will this "yes" cost me the well being of my current kids? The well being of my FAMILY?

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