I hereby resolve......

Here was my horoscope today:

Are you open-minded enough to accept the truth, or are you stubbornly insisting on your way in the face of all the facts? Make things easier on yourself and go for the first option. Let old expectations go.

I now resolve to let fate take its course. Our daughter is out there - Things will happen in the right time. Quit obsessing!!!

I should know this. I do know this. It happened with our son. I shouldn't try to force things. Not that I have ANY control over the CCAA or my agency. I just need to "let it be".

Got another e-mail from my agency. Five more children have been added to the waiting child list. Some of them are girls and healthy girls at that. They are "older". So-- a total of eight waiting children out of thirty-two kids. Can you believe it? That is a lot of kids who have found parents. Since writing about the boys waiting before- two have found parents.

Also-

Since my horrible emotional outburst of May 30. Got an e-mail from my agency re: their waiting child list:

"We understand that each family has their own unique perspective and response to their adoption, which we certainly value. That our program has been labeled a "competition" has become of great concern to us. "

Now..... I certainly am not implying that my agency has read my lowly personal therapeutic blog... b/c I KNOW that there were many many people who felt exactly the way I did re: this "competition" thing. That is certainly how it felt. How could it not? You are applying for a child on a list with possibly hundreds of other families. The agency is to choose what family would best suit the child. It is called finding the best home for the particular child. Yet... what else can describe the process from an emotional standpoint but a "competition" ... Who is the best family?

"We are happy to see the program flourish because ultimately, the ones who benefit from this most are the children. "

They are absolutely right.

"I hope that you will continue to respect our process and the work we do on behalf of these children. "

I respect it. It doesn't mean that it doesn't absolutely crush the people who applied and were "rejected". During our first adoption, many people I was in contact with had fallen in love with a picture. Some of them had their hearts ripped out when their referral was rescinded for some reason or other. I think that is what happened to a lot of the people who applied for a waiting child. They let themselves fall in love with a picture, imagined that they were the perfect family for this particular child. Then the agency called with sad tones and a "we placed the child with a different family". How can you NOT be hurt?

Anyway- also- I guess I pissed off the RQ b/c she has taken this blog off her site. I guess my blurting out of "I HATE THEM!!" was a little too strong for her. Sorry... Lately I was not in the mood to be PC or like a SW in my communication. I have a hard time finding very ambiguous and soothing words/tones to come automatically from my poor tired brain.

But...... as of today that will all change........right?

I am a little hesitant to show you this blog....(I don't want everyone to tell me to change programs) (I will explain how committed I am to China in another entry) but I am so happy for this family! http://chew.typepad.com/jenute/2006/05/this_is_how_it_.html

P.S. I do not want people to think I agree with her opinion of her agency though.