Reunion - Relative Choices - Adoption - Opinion - New York Times Blog

November 20, 2007, 9:52 pm

Reunion

By Lynn Lauber

In the shady side yard of the adoption equation are birth mothers — silent, mostly invisible women who have given up their children without fanfare and often with considerable grief.

Adoptive babies aren’t hatched in factory farms or dropped from the sky straight into the laps of happy families. They are born by real women — often without counseling, legal advice or public acknowledgment. The bond that is broken at birth has real costs, for adoptees as well as their relinquishers. It is not a simple, sterile transaction, but one awash in blood.

In the late 1960s, when I was pregnant, the United States’s adoption process was secret and punitive. In the religious maternity home where I spent six sodden months, a dose of guilt was dispensed with the daily vitamins: I was bad and should be punished; that was the message up and down the line, and I registered it with my tender antennae. I was meant to swiftly sail through “delivery,” as if it were the tonsillectomy I’d had as a girl. But I remained conscious for long hours as my body initiated a process that startled me with pain and awe. It was only during labor – under lights and woefully ignorant — that the real drama being enacted inside me was finally revealed. This was no impersonal mound of flesh I’d been carrying but a kicking life, fighting to emerge. And it had come from me, who was barely finished myself. But that this child was of me — a continuation of a theme, a chip off a block, an apple near a tree — was a truth that was smothered.

I was strongly discouraged from seeing the daughter I bore on that July day that seemed to stretch .....




Reunion - Relative Choices - Adoption - Opinion - New York Times Blog

A Hair Trigger

My honey and I get along pretty well. We better after almost 18 years. There is one thing though that gets him upset and stomping out the door.

My daughter has very fine, long hair down to her rear. She has a pretty wave in the front. Everyone remarks on how beautiful it is. THEY do not have to take care of it. My husband does not take care of it but he is adamant that her hair does not get cut.

Here I am. The poor woman who has to wash, condition, comb, braid, brush and repeat.

My mother took the kids the night before last and basically let them run wild. My daughter came home with a snarled, matted mess. That's fine. She was just at my mom's right? Well, this morning DH announced that the kids were to go to his sister's house to open some presents that she had for them and that they needed to leave in 15 minutes.

DH didn't tell me this last night at my mom's because of the football game last night. I know you ladies of husbands who love football KNOW exactly what game I'm talking about. For four hours DH was plastered to the TV. UNDEFEATED!!!! Woooooo!!!! History in the making. I say "this is cool and all but this will not be written in school history books, THIS is NOT history" (well, I have opinions on school books and real history but that is beside the point). ANYWAY....

So here I am, frantically trying to wash, comb and braid my daughter's hair in 15 minutes. There is NO WAY I'm letting her out of the house like that. She looked like what my great-grandmother called a "guttersnipe".

I keep spraying and spraying the detangling stuff into her hair, nothing happens. I finally spray some on my fingers and smell. Nope nothing. My daughter and her friends had refilled the bottles with plain water after using all the spray on their dolls hair. All 3 bottles worth.

"Ok, this is not good."

My husband has a serious soft spot for our daughter. I mean SERIOUS. When she was a toddler and throwing her two year old fits he would say to me or her big brother "JUST GIVE HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS!!!!!!!" She is the epitome of "has her father wrapped around her finger" and she KNOWS this. She is now seven. You can imagine.

She usually whines a bit during the hair care process and I just ignore it. She will live. And today she did pretty good considering what shape her hair was in. I mean I could barely get the comb into her hair. It kept ricocheting off the top of her head. Therefore my mumbled "OMG, OMG, I can't believe this. Her hair is ruined. What is this DD, peanut butter? Baby you have to brush your hair when you're at Grandma's." type stuff.

DH was there, couldn't even watch the process and in a seriously shitty tone says "Yeah, Jes*s is really gonna help you with her hair. Can't you be more gentle?"


"She really needs a trim, her hair is really tangled and I don't have any detangler right now." I say.

"You are NOT going to cut her hair!" he says quite firmly.

While I try to explain the difference between a trim and a cut, DD smells candy or a toy from Daddy in the near future and starts to bring a little drama to the play.

Finally after trying to get DH to even LOOK at the state of DD's hair and him refusing and then ME finally losing it and just trying to get her hair separated into three sections to braid and DD now stepping up the whining DH announces,

"Fine, I'm going to stay away all day. That's what you want isn't it? Just shave her damn head, I don't care!"

Huh?

Is there another football game or something?

Ah, love.

Ah, family dynamics.

Yeesh.

The Seven Year Old Mind

In January of 1981 when I was seven, I begged my mother into buying me an Old Fashioned Country Diary from the bargain bin. I still have it.

In January that year my sister-in-law had a little baby named "Travis Scoot" A new friend named Bobbie moved in next door and "she is a girl!" My friends Buck and Carel were going to have a garden wedding in 6 months. I had asked them if they were going to get married by the corn or cucumbers.

In March I flew my kite and "it was windy for sure".

In May I turned eight.

In June my mom sent me to my oldest sister in Las Vegas. Laura took me to see "The Great Muppet Caper".

In July (still with my sister) I watched Charles and Diana's wedding. I wrote that it was "a long movie and Cinderella's dress looked really heavy".

This year I bought a Hello Kitty Journal for my daughter who just had to have it. She's seven too.

Yesterday she told me that she was unhappy with it. "All it ever says is how much I love everything in it". I happen to think this is a good thing. Soon enough for "this is so boring" and "I hate" whatever.

She offered to let me take a look.

Some of her entries:

I wish I had wings.

I love this song.

I love sitting by Mowgli (the dog).

I love my friend Serene she is so funny.

I love coloring.

This is the coolest bank I have ever seen.

I love FLowrs.

I LOVE Shckool.

I love singing I want to do it forever.

I hope that she will always love school and sing happy songs forever. What a window to her soul for her adult self to see in later years.

EB Spontaneous?

This August our youngest will be with us for 3 whole years. Today I received my first spontaneous ENTHUSIASTIC hug. I am so moved by this. EB still disassociates when strangers talk to him and sometimes when extended family try to guide him. There is still work to be done.

But....... he has always been so compliant and kind of... just there when I hug him. He's obviously enjoyed it most of the time but this is the first time there was a smile, a jump jump and run into my arms, a tight, tight hug with a growl. He is free to love. He is free to love me.

Today I went to the conference I posted about earlier. What an amazing woman and program. I highly recommend the book Debbie Riley wrote and will also try and post what I came out of this class with. This is truly changing my life and setting me in a direction to grow and MAYBE specialize in.

Good day to you all and I want you commenters to know I appreciate every word you post. I know I've been a bit of a flake on the blog but it has been a time of great growth and soulful awakening for me. I hope your journey's are smooth and I also hope to catch up with you soon.

The Nine Year Change

My oldest son will be 9 years old in June. He has suddenly become critical and somewhat moody. I am so glad that I have articles like this one to turn to.

This article by Rahima Baldwin Dancy on "Parenting the Nine Year Old" describes the developmental changes of the nine-year-old child and how parents and Waldorf education meet this psychological stage. It first appeared in Mothering, Summer, 1989.]

Parents of nine year olds often wonder, "What is happening to my child?" Children at this age can become very critical and argumentative, or very moody and withdrawn. Nightmares, irrational fears, headaches and stomachaches often arise. Some children feel as if no one at school likes them, or others become suddenly self-conscious about being rich, poor, or otherwise "different." Parents may be accused of being unfair or of not understanding, as the child rushes off and slams his or her door.

Searching for an explanation for the changes in behavior, parents sometimes blame a new teacher, a recent move, changes in the family such as separation or the birth of a sibling, or simply "growing pains". An understanding of what is actually taking place can help us avoid needless worry and provide the support and guidance that children need during this time.
What is Happening? The special needs of the nine year old are the result of an important change in consciousness that marks the end of early childhood and the transition to a new developmental phase. Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, states, "In the ninth year the child really experiences a complete transformation of its being, which indicates an important transformation of its soul-life and its bodily-physical experiences."

Earlier, before the age of five or so, the child has a dreamlike state of consciousness in which the outer world and inner experience end to flow together. Outer events are not "observed," but are deeply taken in through unconscious imitation. Whereas babies learn nearly everything through imitation, kindergarten-age children continue to imitate many aspects of their world, such as the movements of the teacher or parent.

The Informed Family Life

To read the rest, click on the link above.

Walternatives- Sorry about the link missing- I've been counting too many raffle tickets the last few days for the school auction. It's there now. ;-)