So, it took until Thursday Night to get ahold of my SW. Now, I kind of understand. With all this snow, her pipes froze and broke and had a terrible leak inside her house. She has a slab foundation and as an ex-REALTOR I don't recommend those (if you can help it). So she had to move her family into a temporary home. While doing that she got into a car accident. A "flatlander" who had never driven in the snow ran into her on the highway. All of this while fielding calls from two SWs and me. Poor thing.
On my 50th or so try calling her she answered. "How'd it go?" I said, "Did you get a call from "SW" (our stand-in SW)? She said that things don't usually go that way."
Se went on to tell me no, it doesn't. That people are usually interviewed to be considered before they go see the child/ren, blah blah blah. She asked about the kids. Whether they seemed properly attached, their behavior etc. I told her that they seemed VERY attached, they were very well behaved. In fact they could teach my current children a thing or two in that department. DH couldn't believe that the 2 yr old would say "excuse me" every time she wanted to tell him something.
I then told her that their SW wanted us to pick up the girls and have them come up for the weekend but that I wasn't sure that that was such a good idea. At their age its just too scary to drive three hours away and spend three days with virtual strangers. She agreed and said she would talk to the SW. Then we went over paperwork stuff and found out that our CPR cert just expired the day before, DH's drivers license had been renewed and they needed a copy and our TB tests needed updating. Yeesh. She asked me if we wanted to go ahead. Of course, I said yes.
She said she'd get ahold of me after she spoke with the SW. Friday morning I got an e-mail:
"After you take the CPR course again, go ahead and set up visits. The .26 is in February so legally we are where we would be in any case. You may have a visit and if the hearing is continued you will have a monthly visit in Sacramento until the .26 is settled."
So, I had already called C the Foster Mother and thanked her for letting us invade her house and had told her the SWs were talking and that I would call when I knew anything. From the above message I thought we were to have monthly visits. I waited to call until I was able to make arrangements for our CPR update.
Monday the other SW called and asked why we did not take the kids for the weekend. Ummmmm......
Well, in all this mess, we have retaken CPR, had new TB tests, are building like crazy while we've had the most snow that I can remember and trying to figure out if the two SW's are talking to each other at all. We've even looked at new vehicles (not new, I'll never buy new again) we found one we can almost trade straight across for with my truck, the one I thought I'd have for the rest of my life as it cost almost as much as my house. The car seats nine. NINE. Can you imagine what the gas will cost?
Remember when we had basically given up on this thing? We got frustrated and downhearted and left off on what we had planned to do. Now we are so sorry as we are freaked out about getting this room done as there is one more person then we planned on joining our family. 5 kids guys. 5. DH and I are so excited and freaked out all at the same time.
As Annie said, we are hoping to keep C in our circle as we would like to keep her as the girls Auntie. I hope to ask her when we go to her house to see the girls on Saturday. She seems depressed and I hope that if she is willing to stay their Auntie that this will help with the transition for her, her family and the girls.
I have been making a little photo album to stay with the girls until we can bring them home.
I've been having some issues with people that are kind of "complaining" about how large our family will be. They say that I am burdening my husband. They say that I am burdening the system by adopting from Foster Care (what?). They say that I am short changing the children already in my care. They say that I will be short changing the girls that we are so excited to bring home as our daughters. They say we will be culturally stunting the girls because we are not African American and they are. They say, they say, they say........
Personally I am not sure where this hostility is coming from. Why all of a sudden? Is it just the number of children, or that we will be a multi racial and ethnic family?
****edited to include:
Once Again Annie has basically read my mind and posted about people looking askance at the decision to adopt a NUMBER of children.
I hope this post makes sense. I'm trying to update while in the middle of a hurricane of activity and don't have time to review it. Did I mention that a puppy has arrived in the middle of this mess as well?
Showing posts with label Child Search. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Child Search. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Meeting The Girls
After being handed directions we got into our truck and followed two white generic cars through miles of new roads surrounded by stucco buildings and houses. Just two years ago this land that had been working farms.
DH says its a good thing we had a V8 as the first SW was driving like a bat out of hell. If we would have missed one light we would have been lost forever.
When we stopped I was hesitant to get out of the truck as I was scared. Now, what thirty-something adult is afraid of a two and three year old? Me. While my Honey was out and already at the door with the SWs I was still in the cab trying to catch my breath and stop the words, "What are we doing? Are we crazy?" from echoing in my head.
DH says its a good thing we had a V8 as the first SW was driving like a bat out of hell. If we would have missed one light we would have been lost forever.
When we stopped I was hesitant to get out of the truck as I was scared. Now, what thirty-something adult is afraid of a two and three year old? Me. While my Honey was out and already at the door with the SWs I was still in the cab trying to catch my breath and stop the words, "What are we doing? Are we crazy?" from echoing in my head.
The girls' Foster Mother was there to meet us at the door. She was a lovely woman who obviously cared a great deal about the girls. The almost four year old was there in her orange plastic princess heels and Dora outfit. The two year old was upstairs hiding. When "C" the Foster Mom called her she was holding a dolly by the hair and it thunked down the stairs behind her. The first thing the older girl said was "I live with my Auntie".
C said that the girls think she is their Aunt. She has known the youngest since she was four months old. She is friends with their previous Foster Mom. She hosts the older sister in her home for monthly "informal" visits. She said that the sister constantly asks if the SW really is working toward adoption for her little sisters. She is afraid of losing touch with them. We were told the girls love their older sister with a passion. I was told three times that the older sister is a "good girl" and lives with her father.
DH became popular with the girls very quickly. That is always the way. He is just a big kid himself.
We just kind of hung out on the floor and visited. I was asked if I knew how to fix African-American hair. I said that I had read articles and a book about different hairstyles but knew that there was nothing compared to actually doing it which I had never done. C said, "That's ok, I didn't know how to do hair until I had my daughter. You'll learn." Then the SW said "Ok, so are we doing this thing or what?" She directed me and C to the kitchen to exchange numbers etc to set up visits. While I was in there she came in very excited to learn that we were a "Waldorf Family" and asked if the girls would be going as well and I was a little surprised at that and said "Of course they will". Then our stand-in SW asked me some kind of question and I heard the other SW tell C that she should know she always looks for a family with a two parent household. C is a single mom. She obviously loves the girls and was getting upset. The SW had told us earlier that there was a single woman who loved the children but she didn't think it was going to work out. Was C the woman? Did she want to keep the girls? Were we tearing apart a family?
It was time to leave as C had to get to work. The SW asked the oldest if she wanted to go to our house to go play in the snow and spend the night. The poor little one immediately got a deer in the headlights look. I could feel the fear emanating from her as she was leaning against my leg and I was at her level. I just whispered into her ear that she could think about that. Then she said that she wanted us to come back to HER house. We said our goodbyes and walked out into the rain. Not wanting to keep our stand-in SW in her very fashionable open toed heels out in the elements any longer than necessary, I just told her that I would call our SW to which she said she would call her immediately as this not the way things usually went.
On the three hour ride home DH was So excited and happy. "These are our girls! They will fit perfectly with our family!" He is right but I am waiting for the ball to drop.
Friday, January 25, 2008
I don't know what's happening
Well, I'm not sure what is going on. My SW is incommunicado. Yesterday was so confusing to me and I truly have no idea what to do. I will start at the beginning and hope to wrap my mind around this as I go.
We woke up at 4:30 am on Wednesday and left quickly for "big town" before the snow got too bad. We actually found the building with no problem, it was the parking space that was hard to find. We signed in and then waited for an hour and a half for someone to acknowledge us.
While waiting I sat next to a woman who had lost custody of her kids and was there for a visit. She called and called her ex"old-man" to show up for a visit. He lives in a homeless camp by the river with his new girlfriend. He had not showed for visits for almost a year. She told me the kids ask for daddy at every visit. She told me that she was going to fight for her kids. It was uncomfortable for me to listen to her story as I sat waiting to be interviewed and visit two girls that could just as easily be hers as any body's.
Finally a Social Worker from our agency showed up (our SW didn't come with us) and reiterated to us that the girls' SW was "different". She said that they might ask what kind of birth control we were using (oops- I freaked out a little as we hadn't been using any this last month as we had basically given up on this adoption). She also said that she didn't recognize us as she thought she was meeting an older lady with grey curly hair. Ummm.... As she was trying to talk to us the other SW came up to us.
DH and I liked her immediately. She was straightforward, to the point and honest. She didn't talk around issues like I have found many SW's do. We were in a little room filled with a small table, four chairs and we couldn't close the door as there was no room to do so. She stated that of course we had read the court papers. I said we hadn't, that all the information I had was that the girls' .26 was next month, I knew their first names and birth dates and that they had two older siblings.
She handed us her copy of the court report. I read the first page and then listened to her as DH reads SLOW. I never did get to read the rest as DH never finished and she was up and down the hall telling us that there was another baby sibling placed with another family already. The meeting lasted all of 15 minutes and the one question I had asked about the mother's use of Paxil while pregnant was met with "I have no idea". The SW that was there for us stated that "this was NO disclosure meeting" as she ran to catch up with the other SW. We were handed directions to the foster mother's house and told to follow her.
I'll write more in another post.
We woke up at 4:30 am on Wednesday and left quickly for "big town" before the snow got too bad. We actually found the building with no problem, it was the parking space that was hard to find. We signed in and then waited for an hour and a half for someone to acknowledge us.
While waiting I sat next to a woman who had lost custody of her kids and was there for a visit. She called and called her ex"old-man" to show up for a visit. He lives in a homeless camp by the river with his new girlfriend. He had not showed for visits for almost a year. She told me the kids ask for daddy at every visit. She told me that she was going to fight for her kids. It was uncomfortable for me to listen to her story as I sat waiting to be interviewed and visit two girls that could just as easily be hers as any body's.
Finally a Social Worker from our agency showed up (our SW didn't come with us) and reiterated to us that the girls' SW was "different". She said that they might ask what kind of birth control we were using (oops- I freaked out a little as we hadn't been using any this last month as we had basically given up on this adoption). She also said that she didn't recognize us as she thought she was meeting an older lady with grey curly hair. Ummm.... As she was trying to talk to us the other SW came up to us.
DH and I liked her immediately. She was straightforward, to the point and honest. She didn't talk around issues like I have found many SW's do. We were in a little room filled with a small table, four chairs and we couldn't close the door as there was no room to do so. She stated that of course we had read the court papers. I said we hadn't, that all the information I had was that the girls' .26 was next month, I knew their first names and birth dates and that they had two older siblings.
She handed us her copy of the court report. I read the first page and then listened to her as DH reads SLOW. I never did get to read the rest as DH never finished and she was up and down the hall telling us that there was another baby sibling placed with another family already. The meeting lasted all of 15 minutes and the one question I had asked about the mother's use of Paxil while pregnant was met with "I have no idea". The SW that was there for us stated that "this was NO disclosure meeting" as she ran to catch up with the other SW. We were handed directions to the foster mother's house and told to follow her.
I'll write more in another post.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
1/24/08
Hi all-
The meeting went well. DH is very excited. I am too scared to get excited. SW's are talking to each other. The girls are the sweetest things on earth. Will update soon.
The meeting went well. DH is very excited. I am too scared to get excited. SW's are talking to each other. The girls are the sweetest things on earth. Will update soon.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
1/15/08
I'm sitting down to write this post to keep myself from tearing my kitchen apart. I've ransacked the place trying to find something, anything, salty enough to satisfy my needs. Those who know me are quite familiar with my stress eating.
I've finally had to settle for pickled green tomatoes that my Dad put up this Summer. I'm cutting them with baby carrots. There is absolutely NO junk food in the house! Oh what I would give for some salt and vinegar potato chips right now!
The day started with my brother calling from the hospital. I could hear the wailing of a new baby boy in the background. He promised to call right back but I have not heard from him in hours. No info! No weight, length, NAME!!! Like all celebrities, my brother withholds information such as this until he can sell it to the press.
Then, while I was at the school in the middle of an auction meeting (yes its that time of year again) my social worker calls me. Having no luck with my husband's cell phone, my home phone, my cell phone, my brother (ahem), she finally tried the school.
The girls I wrote about earlier, are still available as the prospective parents were not willing to help keep sibling bonds with a brother and sister placed in another home. My SW had no problem telling their SW that we would LOVE to maintain sibling visits etc. The girls' SW wanted to meet at 8:45 am in a city 3 hours away on the day we were to leave at 4 in the morning to drive in the opposite direction 7 hours to DH's grandfather's funeral. The math didn't work out. We almost lost the meeting as the care provider has a full schedule but they decided to cut us a break as we couldn't possibly reschedule a funeral service.
So, next Wednesday we have a meeting with a SW known in the adoption community for being difficult to work with and tends to "ask inappropriate questions". Then we will meet the girls.
SW says she will doing everything within her power to be there with us. I have called my Mom, dangling two prospective granddaughters to add to the just arrived grandson, to have the kids spend the night next Tuesday so DH, SW and I can drive to "the big city" to try and impress a woman we have never met in the few minutes we are allotted.
Since there are TWO girls, we have to now get a move on with the addition to the house because it takes 8 weeks to get a three to a bedroom exception. That is, IF they are placed with us, and they can't be placed with us if we don't have another room or a three to a bedroom exception. At least the EXTERIOR is done right?
So, after THAT call, I got a call from the Adoption Agency I am on the advisory committee for and reminded I volunteered to locate photographers to participate in a Heart Gallery project for our tri-county area. The next meeting for the advisory committee is Thursday. So far I have 4 yeses and one maybe. I've left messages with others.
Then I get a call from the guy at our school who has always made sure we have a car to auction off. He said that I need to meet with the owner of the Toyota dealership on Friday (the day of the funeral) to make the presentation to get a Prius for the auction.
After my niece got dropped off at my house to spend the night we loaded up to go get the kids from school.
While standing by my daughter's classroom, every single one of her classmates tells me in front of every single other parent that the teacher wants to talk to me. My daughter is the loudest in telling me this. Seems that my daughter has an absolute cow when things aren't "just right". Her art projects, writing, reading, everything has to be perfect or she wants to do it completely over. She imparts this information in a very loud and dramatic fashion. The teacher tells me that she a lot more advanced than the other children (thank you very much) but she is becoming a disruption because of her "drama". She is afraid that the other children might start to get a complex if they see her work and theirs isn't even as good as her (terrible, horrible, worsest in the world) work. Ok, how the heck do I deal with this?
Ok, well, I better go make dinner before my PTA meeting tonight. I hope I get back early as I have Jury Duty tomorrow morning.
I would really appreciate some positive energy coming my way for my meeting on Wednesday (not subtle what so ever, hint, hint, hint)
And if any of you have advice for my obsessive daughter it would be great.
I've finally had to settle for pickled green tomatoes that my Dad put up this Summer. I'm cutting them with baby carrots. There is absolutely NO junk food in the house! Oh what I would give for some salt and vinegar potato chips right now!
The day started with my brother calling from the hospital. I could hear the wailing of a new baby boy in the background. He promised to call right back but I have not heard from him in hours. No info! No weight, length, NAME!!! Like all celebrities, my brother withholds information such as this until he can sell it to the press.
Then, while I was at the school in the middle of an auction meeting (yes its that time of year again) my social worker calls me. Having no luck with my husband's cell phone, my home phone, my cell phone, my brother (ahem), she finally tried the school.
The girls I wrote about earlier, are still available as the prospective parents were not willing to help keep sibling bonds with a brother and sister placed in another home. My SW had no problem telling their SW that we would LOVE to maintain sibling visits etc. The girls' SW wanted to meet at 8:45 am in a city 3 hours away on the day we were to leave at 4 in the morning to drive in the opposite direction 7 hours to DH's grandfather's funeral. The math didn't work out. We almost lost the meeting as the care provider has a full schedule but they decided to cut us a break as we couldn't possibly reschedule a funeral service.
So, next Wednesday we have a meeting with a SW known in the adoption community for being difficult to work with and tends to "ask inappropriate questions". Then we will meet the girls.
SW says she will doing everything within her power to be there with us. I have called my Mom, dangling two prospective granddaughters to add to the just arrived grandson, to have the kids spend the night next Tuesday so DH, SW and I can drive to "the big city" to try and impress a woman we have never met in the few minutes we are allotted.
Since there are TWO girls, we have to now get a move on with the addition to the house because it takes 8 weeks to get a three to a bedroom exception. That is, IF they are placed with us, and they can't be placed with us if we don't have another room or a three to a bedroom exception. At least the EXTERIOR is done right?
So, after THAT call, I got a call from the Adoption Agency I am on the advisory committee for and reminded I volunteered to locate photographers to participate in a Heart Gallery project for our tri-county area. The next meeting for the advisory committee is Thursday. So far I have 4 yeses and one maybe. I've left messages with others.
Then I get a call from the guy at our school who has always made sure we have a car to auction off. He said that I need to meet with the owner of the Toyota dealership on Friday (the day of the funeral) to make the presentation to get a Prius for the auction.
After my niece got dropped off at my house to spend the night we loaded up to go get the kids from school.
While standing by my daughter's classroom, every single one of her classmates tells me in front of every single other parent that the teacher wants to talk to me. My daughter is the loudest in telling me this. Seems that my daughter has an absolute cow when things aren't "just right". Her art projects, writing, reading, everything has to be perfect or she wants to do it completely over. She imparts this information in a very loud and dramatic fashion. The teacher tells me that she a lot more advanced than the other children (thank you very much) but she is becoming a disruption because of her "drama". She is afraid that the other children might start to get a complex if they see her work and theirs isn't even as good as her (terrible, horrible, worsest in the world) work. Ok, how the heck do I deal with this?
Ok, well, I better go make dinner before my PTA meeting tonight. I hope I get back early as I have Jury Duty tomorrow morning.
I would really appreciate some positive energy coming my way for my meeting on Wednesday (not subtle what so ever, hint, hint, hint)
And if any of you have advice for my obsessive daughter it would be great.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
A Family A Fair
DH and I were referred to a "Fair" for
We went armed with our homestudy and a "family photo page" looking forward to introducing ourselves to the men and women who will hold the number of our family members and our future in their hands.
Full of hope and all smiles we hold hands as the elevator moves up...... ding, the doors open and we enter bedlam. Sardines. Rows and rows of sweaty nervous people lined themselves up to try and make an impression, any impression on a social worker. DH does NOT do well under these circumstances, by the time we would get to the front of the line he's disappeared and I usually find him gasping for air out in the hall with flyers of available children clasped to his chest.
Running for your classes. Job Fairs. You get the drift.
"families and social workers to get to know each other in a relaxed and
casual atmosphere."
We went armed with our homestudy and a "family photo page" looking forward to introducing ourselves to the men and women who will hold the number of our family members and our future in their hands.
Full of hope and all smiles we hold hands as the elevator moves up...... ding, the doors open and we enter bedlam. Sardines. Rows and rows of sweaty nervous people lined themselves up to try and make an impression, any impression on a social worker. DH does NOT do well under these circumstances, by the time we would get to the front of the line he's disappeared and I usually find him gasping for air out in the hall with flyers of available children clasped to his chest.
Running for your classes. Job Fairs. You get the drift.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Postcard From Limboland
I have not posted for a while; A true post anyway, as I really have nothing to say.
I've been wanting to write about the picnic but with my blog loading oh, so incredibly slow and I have no idea why- etc., etc., etc. ........
We just haven't been "picked".
I've been e-mailed the last month about horrible severe situations, most that we've said: "Please send in our homestudy".
All to no avail. We never hear about that child or children again.
The woman DH calls the "dragon lady" has already signed with another agency, finished her homestudy and had several meetings about potential adoptive placements. WTF??
She has had children taken from her and put into group homes, she's rejected children and disrupted two adoptions and has moved from agency to agency and STILL they are sending her children to consider.
She stopped by to tell me this the other day because I haven't been returning her calls.
Now she wants to go to this other thing that DH and I are going to that is just for families and social workers to get to know each other. Yeesh.
I hope the "dragon lady" who is so overpowering and manipulative stays the hell away from us.
Again, it is hours away to this meeting that lasts for an hour. It will be an all day thing for us.
Do you guys have any suggestions? I am going to put a little booklet together about our family with some pictures to give to SW's but what to do to be remembered well but not be remembered as a terribly desperate woman or a shy freak.
I hear this voice saying "You should have taken the first two."
Truthfully, it's only been three months since we've signed our homestudy
(this particular one at least)
I look at the local county Foster Parent Application sitting on my counter and wonder if I should just fill it out but then I hear the moderator's voice in the last post adoption support meeting saying that she thinks her biological and adopted children were harmed psychologically with the foster children coming in and out of the house all the time. They became afraid to bond with the kids as they would just be leaving. She works in mental health. I think I should listen to her.
Another reason I've stayed away..............
I need to keep moving forward. I just can't stew in my own neediness.
I did make a big leap and buy a crib mattress today, maybe if I just believe and prepare for a child it will happen.
See? Told you I sound like a desperate freak. I make myself sick!!!! My father-in -law says "Why don't you just have one of your 'own'". Ah! I want to kill him.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
We're Going A Picnic'n
Have heard nothing from our SW except for an invite to a "placing" picnic. This picnic is three hours away. I have NO IDEA what to expect. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
DH and I are talking about putting on armor. How can we mingle with these children without EVERY SINGLE ONE of them tugging at our hearts? What REALLY are we supposed to do there?
I've heard one person describe it as a "meat market".
I hope to have fun but....... ignorance is not bliss in this case.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Just Say No
Ah! That was THE hardest thing I've had to do in a long time! Saying "No" just about killed me.
I wrote to the SW that without our own SW's assessment and some pre-placement meetings we would have to pass on the privilege of having those two children in our home.
This comes with a VERY well timed call from my vacationing SW saying that if these kids can't wait and we have reservations then "just say no!" That the behaviors I described to her in a message ARE worrisome and that she "WILL find a daughter for our family." She said it in a tone that I needed. Thank goodness for her.
The SW wrote back and said she appreciated our openness and honesty and that the children WILL be moved on Wednesday because of the attachment and bonding that is taking place on the part of the children in the home with the previous "adoptive parents" now "caretakers" of the children.
Maybe I am wrong, but isn't it a good thing that the children are attaching? Wouldn't it damage them to put them in a "respite" situation or yet another home where the potential adoptive parents are not fully informed?
I am afraid that the children will be even more damaged emotionally just because of our decision.
Thanks for your guys' support on this. I really needed it.
I wrote to the SW that without our own SW's assessment and some pre-placement meetings we would have to pass on the privilege of having those two children in our home.
This comes with a VERY well timed call from my vacationing SW saying that if these kids can't wait and we have reservations then "just say no!" That the behaviors I described to her in a message ARE worrisome and that she "WILL find a daughter for our family." She said it in a tone that I needed. Thank goodness for her.
The SW wrote back and said she appreciated our openness and honesty and that the children WILL be moved on Wednesday because of the attachment and bonding that is taking place on the part of the children in the home with the previous "adoptive parents" now "caretakers" of the children.
Maybe I am wrong, but isn't it a good thing that the children are attaching? Wouldn't it damage them to put them in a "respite" situation or yet another home where the potential adoptive parents are not fully informed?
I am afraid that the children will be even more damaged emotionally just because of our decision.
Thanks for your guys' support on this. I really needed it.
Friday, August 10, 2007
At What Price?
Everyone stop on by and congratulate Steph on the placement of an 11 week old boy!!! She is a former SW adopting through Foster Care. She's pretty dang cool. Her sister in law is adopting from China (I think I have that right) "Different Dirt" - she is waiting for a travel date to bring her little Thor home.
*******************
I am sitting here just kind of cautious but calm (thank goodness for DH).
Got a call from the other SW yesterday re: the two little ones. She had a bit more info. We would be the 6th placement. Ummm..... is that excessive? No wonder the little girl may have some attachment issues.
Again, DH and I talk over the info. Again we decide we will say that for the best interests of all involved we think that the previous "adoptive placement" now called "caretakers" keep the kids until our SW gets back and she can assess these kids (maybe not for the current "caretakers"). ALSO--- Where the heck is more info? Don't you guys think that we should know exactly how EXTENSIVE her behaviors are? Shouldn't we be prepared? The SW went so far as to ask me if there was a problem this weekend could she bring them over to our house so there would be one less move for them. That brought me up short. Wait! Hold on there!
DH and I are committed that once the children enter our home that they are "ours" forever, no matter what. We are willing to go to therapy etc but.... I CANNOT tear my family apart (which severe attachment disorders can do). I know she is only 3 but... shouldn't that even caution me MORE so with 6 yes, 6 placements? How many times were they reunited with their family before this?
Found out that the county coordinator (I'm guessing at her title) is on vacation until Tuesday. If they can wait for her to make the decision on whether to consider us (wait a minute?), why can't they wait for our SW to come back less than a week later?
The SW e-mailed the questions I posted previously to the current "caretaker" and she is supposed to be getting that back to us. I asked the SW to forward them to me. I will forward them to MY SW. Maybe she will take over the campgrounds office again. I have not called her and will not until I get more info and dig a little deeper.
I have to remember not to be scared about never getting another "referral" (is what I call it), I am fighting for my family's well being and the children's (who need to be placed ) also.
I have to keep saying to myself "At what price?"
I am wondering and mentioned this to Denise-
Is the SW trying to "save face" with this county by trying to find a family VERY fast on her own as it is her family backing out?
*******************
I am sitting here just kind of cautious but calm (thank goodness for DH).
Got a call from the other SW yesterday re: the two little ones. She had a bit more info. We would be the 6th placement. Ummm..... is that excessive? No wonder the little girl may have some attachment issues.
Again, DH and I talk over the info. Again we decide we will say that for the best interests of all involved we think that the previous "adoptive placement" now called "caretakers" keep the kids until our SW gets back and she can assess these kids (maybe not for the current "caretakers"). ALSO--- Where the heck is more info? Don't you guys think that we should know exactly how EXTENSIVE her behaviors are? Shouldn't we be prepared? The SW went so far as to ask me if there was a problem this weekend could she bring them over to our house so there would be one less move for them. That brought me up short. Wait! Hold on there!
DH and I are committed that once the children enter our home that they are "ours" forever, no matter what. We are willing to go to therapy etc but.... I CANNOT tear my family apart (which severe attachment disorders can do). I know she is only 3 but... shouldn't that even caution me MORE so with 6 yes, 6 placements? How many times were they reunited with their family before this?
Found out that the county coordinator (I'm guessing at her title) is on vacation until Tuesday. If they can wait for her to make the decision on whether to consider us (wait a minute?), why can't they wait for our SW to come back less than a week later?
The SW e-mailed the questions I posted previously to the current "caretaker" and she is supposed to be getting that back to us. I asked the SW to forward them to me. I will forward them to MY SW. Maybe she will take over the campgrounds office again. I have not called her and will not until I get more info and dig a little deeper.
I have to remember not to be scared about never getting another "referral" (is what I call it), I am fighting for my family's well being and the children's (who need to be placed ) also.
I have to keep saying to myself "At what price?"
I am wondering and mentioned this to Denise-
Is the SW trying to "save face" with this county by trying to find a family VERY fast on her own as it is her family backing out?
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Second Call
Got a call yesterday from a SW from my agency. Not mine because of course she's on vacation until the 20th. She told me she faxed our homestudy to a county looking to place a sibling set of a boy and girl both under 4 yrs. They are being disrupted. The SW didn't seem too informed because she was not at the disclosure meeting. Ummm... who WAS there?
Does this sound a little familiar to you? It should as they are the exact ages and situation as the last call I received. Guess what? All four of these kids are from the same county. Both potential adoptive parents are struggling with the decision whether they want to become parents or not.
I am told that both sets of children are just exhibiting normal toddler behavior but that both girls are a little on the extreme side (I'm thinking attachment problems).
I'm feeling very cautious about this call.
Here are the facts:
They want to move these kids before the week is out, saying they don't want the children to attach to the disruptive parents any more (they have only been there a month or so).
The SW doesn't have any disclosure info on these kids.
They are telling me that this has to absolutely be the last move for these kids as the sister is starting to show signs of attachment issues.
My husband and I are slated to leave for Hawaii (shhhh, don't tell DH as it is a surprise) that I paid for quite a while ago as our last hurrah before becoming parents again, on the 20th, the day MY SW gets back. (I know, I feel totally guilty and selfish and just plain sh***y for saying this)
MY SW called me in a dither last night about 10 pm as she rec'd this other SW's message re: these children possibly being placed in our home. She feels very uncomfortable that she has not been able to meet and observe these children, that the other SW doesn't have all the info, and that she herself has raised a little girl that she adopted as an infant internationally that had mild attachment problems that lasted for YEARS. She has known our family for years (obviously) and does not want the other children to suffer as hers had to. This morning she took over the campground's office to send me these questions to ask, I thought you all might like to have them for yourselves.
1) Why were they taken into the system?
2) What is their placement history?
3) Specifically why were they moved from each home?
4) Describe each child's mood and behavior at waking up, bathing, napping, going to bed, meal times, driving, playing with other children?
5) Do they like to be held?
6) Will they seek out affection?
7) Do they make eye contact consistently?
8) How do they respond when told no?
9) How do they respond when bothered by another child?
10) When they tantrum how long? what techniques have worked to calm them?
11) Do they awake at night? How are they calmed if yes?
12) Do they show preference for either parent?
13) Do they have a favorite toy?
14) Do they disconnect/withdraw emotionally?
15) How much TV do they watch?
16) What % of the day is positive behavior?
17) What is their bedtime routine?
18) How much time have they played with other children?
19) What is their legal status?
20) How loud are they?
21) Is their energy level moderate, high or extremely high? Give examples?
22) Do they play independently? If yes for how long?
23) Do they disrupt other children's play?
24) Can you redirect negative behavior?
25) Are they aggressive towards others?
She also says she does not know why the children cannot wait until she gets back from vacation to meet them.
Here is the biggest red flag for me- my husband who was all for the previous two, really has some reservations about this call and wants to wait for our SW to get back.
I think he may be right. I know this is not true but every time I get one of these calls, it feels like my last chance to be a mother again. I have the HARDEST time saying no.
What my SW keeps telling me though is that of course I want to say yes to all of them but saying yes to an unknown and uninformed (us) sib set is saying yes to what cost? Will this "yes" cost me the well being of my current kids? The well being of my FAMILY?
---------------------
Does this sound a little familiar to you? It should as they are the exact ages and situation as the last call I received. Guess what? All four of these kids are from the same county. Both potential adoptive parents are struggling with the decision whether they want to become parents or not.
I am told that both sets of children are just exhibiting normal toddler behavior but that both girls are a little on the extreme side (I'm thinking attachment problems).
I'm feeling very cautious about this call.
Here are the facts:
They want to move these kids before the week is out, saying they don't want the children to attach to the disruptive parents any more (they have only been there a month or so).
The SW doesn't have any disclosure info on these kids.
They are telling me that this has to absolutely be the last move for these kids as the sister is starting to show signs of attachment issues.
My husband and I are slated to leave for Hawaii (shhhh, don't tell DH as it is a surprise) that I paid for quite a while ago as our last hurrah before becoming parents again, on the 20th, the day MY SW gets back. (I know, I feel totally guilty and selfish and just plain sh***y for saying this)
MY SW called me in a dither last night about 10 pm as she rec'd this other SW's message re: these children possibly being placed in our home. She feels very uncomfortable that she has not been able to meet and observe these children, that the other SW doesn't have all the info, and that she herself has raised a little girl that she adopted as an infant internationally that had mild attachment problems that lasted for YEARS. She has known our family for years (obviously) and does not want the other children to suffer as hers had to. This morning she took over the campground's office to send me these questions to ask, I thought you all might like to have them for yourselves.
1) Why were they taken into the system?
2) What is their placement history?
3) Specifically why were they moved from each home?
4) Describe each child's mood and behavior at waking up, bathing, napping, going to bed, meal times, driving, playing with other children?
5) Do they like to be held?
6) Will they seek out affection?
7) Do they make eye contact consistently?
8) How do they respond when told no?
9) How do they respond when bothered by another child?
10) When they tantrum how long? what techniques have worked to calm them?
11) Do they awake at night? How are they calmed if yes?
12) Do they show preference for either parent?
13) Do they have a favorite toy?
14) Do they disconnect/withdraw emotionally?
15) How much TV do they watch?
16) What % of the day is positive behavior?
17) What is their bedtime routine?
18) How much time have they played with other children?
19) What is their legal status?
20) How loud are they?
21) Is their energy level moderate, high or extremely high? Give examples?
22) Do they play independently? If yes for how long?
23) Do they disrupt other children's play?
24) Can you redirect negative behavior?
25) Are they aggressive towards others?
She also says she does not know why the children cannot wait until she gets back from vacation to meet them.
Here is the biggest red flag for me- my husband who was all for the previous two, really has some reservations about this call and wants to wait for our SW to get back.
I think he may be right. I know this is not true but every time I get one of these calls, it feels like my last chance to be a mother again. I have the HARDEST time saying no.
What my SW keeps telling me though is that of course I want to say yes to all of them but saying yes to an unknown and uninformed (us) sib set is saying yes to what cost? Will this "yes" cost me the well being of my current kids? The well being of my FAMILY?
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