A Lesson

Thanks to the ladies that commented on my last post. I needed the support.

I'm thinking that this whole thing is just turning out to be a huge lesson in patience and humility.

Like Denise at Life With Ivan, pregnant women have surrounded me. EVERYWHERE I go I see women with bright shining faces and swollen bellies. I'm being inundated with e-mails that have pics of sonograms and newborns and baby clothes and happy siblings.

Unlike her, the mere presence of small children bring me to tears. It's like I'm going through the change. I run hot and cold.

One day I'm like "Ok, everything is good, look at the beautiful children I have. I am so lucky."

The next day I am either sad or really pissed off.

Every time I go to one of the advisory committee meetings or classes or get togethers in the adoption community I get asked:
"Have you heard anything? Get a call?"

All I can do is shake my head and try not to grind my teeth or start bawling like some calf.

At the Christmas get together a lady who has 11 kids said, "I hear they're placing babies here all the time." Well, I'm not licensed in this county. I've been working with an agency in a neighboring county since 2005 people. Not one fricking call.

I should say that yes, there has been one call, but not any after that. Until today.

Maggie suggested that I try other states. I went to AdoptUSkids and felt a pull toward a sibling set from Russia (disruption?). I impulsively clicked on the link "interested" and then shut down the computer. Guess what? Their SW called mine and asked for our homestudy.

I had a meeting with my SW today anyway (regarding something else besides adoption. Her kids go to the same school as mine.) and she told me that a SW called from across the country and was interested in my family. "What did you do?"

I went to the computer and showed her the kids. She looked at me like I was crazy. So, okay they're not in our age range. No, they're not girls. She smiled at me and called me a "trouble maker". But... but.....

I am so used to getting my way. To working my ass off to get what I have set as a goal. Well, how do you do that in a foster adopt situation? How can you work toward a child when I can't pass muster with the SWs for some reason.

I'm so sick of this pity party crap that I am writing.

I have filled out the foster parent paperwork (again) for THIS county and am waiting for the classes to take (again). Wanna come Denise?

I keep thinking that February will be the cut off. If I do not hear anything by then, foster mama it is. To hell with waiting for a "safe" placement.

Doesn't sound like I'm learning patience and humility does it?

Blah Doldrums

Hello? Echo echo echo

Absolutely nothing here.....

Spoke with a placing supervisor for the State and she said that over 200 new families were approved for adoption here last month.

Don't get me wrong. Happy as heck to hear there are people out there who want to adopt foster children. But.....

Hubby and I have been talking about breaking down and making a "homemade" child. Could I still do that with the cancer (its gone remember?) and all? Do I want to? I thought there were enough children on this planet already and that we would bring one of those beauties into our home. It looks as it is just NOT TO BE. I cringe a little inside when I type that. I feel strongly about positive thinking working but..... I don't seem to have much of a supply of that on this topic.

Went to a National Adoption Day get together here in town last month. One family had a 6 week old baby the birth mother left at the hospital, gorgeous little boy. I held him for a while as my heart broke into little shards and slipped down onto the floor. Another family at the party had his older brother.

Maybe I should drop this whole expensive disastrous mess of an agency or international adoption and be the shoulder, the loving arms, the warm home for a child who needs it no matter how short or long of duration. Like the Princess Shine Stephanie says you are making a difference for someone right then, right now.

================

Went to a presentation today about Kaleidoscope a new project in CA to "increase adoption of foster youth ages 9 and over, in care for 18 months or more and placed with a non-related caregiver".

AB 1808 (Chapter 75 Statutes of 2006)

Four adoptions specialists and one adoptions supervisor will target youth that are in need of permanent adoptive homes and life-long connections. They will help identify those connections and consider permanency.

Basically they are trying to create permanent connections for older youth in the system. People like mentors, teachers, previous foster parents, long lost siblings etc. Someone the kids can call in the middle of the night or whatever for a ride, a recipe, or just a listening ear.

=================

Also heard-

Resilience: You Can Make A Difference

by Mervlyn K. Kitashima

She was part of a 40 year study called the "Kauai Longitudinal" study by a Dr. Werner who was at Berkeley at the time but is now at Davis. What makes some kids overcome the odds? How does resiliency "work"?

Here are 4 ideas to start with:

1. Hard Work- learning how to stand up on your own two feet and work your butt off (my own notes- NOT her words.


2. Safe People/Safe Places- example - grandma's house- somewhere where it is ok to cry


3. Participation and Involvement- to see a broader vision . To see that there is a different choice than your own "dysfunctional" home. This can include after school activities, student government- anything to help build a sense of worth and that you are "good for something".


4. Have a sense of hope- to see that there is more to the FUTURE. So often people are stuck in the "daily survival mode". Build the spirit inside the child. This can include a religious or spiritual sense of vision.

I am a very poor translator for her wonderful presentation, if you ever have the chance go and listen to her sometime. She believes (as I do) that every child is "At Promise" not "At Risk". You can help a child to LEARN resiliency.

Maybe when I'm not so tired and totally utterly DEPRESSED about our adoption journey, I can make more sense of this for you. Or maybe you can "google" Bonnie Bernard, Dr. Werner and the study- overcoming the odds:High Risk children from birth to adulthood, Etc.

A good place to start to find ways to help kids succeed is The Search Institute

bye for now-

ps gotta change my blog name since now I am no longer a "working mother" though I do have a "job" Have to think about that too. Oh well.............now where is that ice cream bucket?

Postcard From Limboland

I have not posted for a while; A true post anyway, as I really have nothing to say.



I've been wanting to write about the picnic but with my blog loading oh, so incredibly slow and I have no idea why- etc., etc., etc. ........



We just haven't been "picked".



I've been e-mailed the last month about horrible severe situations, most that we've said: "Please send in our homestudy".



All to no avail. We never hear about that child or children again.



The woman DH calls the "dragon lady" has already signed with another agency, finished her homestudy and had several meetings about potential adoptive placements. WTF??



She has had children taken from her and put into group homes, she's rejected children and disrupted two adoptions and has moved from agency to agency and STILL they are sending her children to consider.



She stopped by to tell me this the other day because I haven't been returning her calls.



Now she wants to go to this other thing that DH and I are going to that is just for families and social workers to get to know each other. Yeesh.


I hope the "dragon lady" who is so overpowering and manipulative stays the hell away from us.

Again, it is hours away to this meeting that lasts for an hour. It will be an all day thing for us.

Do you guys have any suggestions? I am going to put a little booklet together about our family with some pictures to give to SW's but what to do to be remembered well but not be remembered as a terribly desperate woman or a shy freak.





I hear this voice saying "You should have taken the first two."

Truthfully, it's only been three months since we've signed our homestudy

(this particular one at least)

I look at the local county Foster Parent Application sitting on my counter and wonder if I should just fill it out but then I hear the moderator's voice in the last post adoption support meeting saying that she thinks her biological and adopted children were harmed psychologically with the foster children coming in and out of the house all the time. They became afraid to bond with the kids as they would just be leaving. She works in mental health. I think I should listen to her.

Another reason I've stayed away..............
I need to keep moving forward. I just can't stew in my own neediness.

I did make a big leap and buy a crib mattress today, maybe if I just believe and prepare for a child it will happen.

See? Told you I sound like a desperate freak. I make myself sick!!!! My father-in -law says "Why don't you just have one of your 'own'". Ah! I want to kill him.

We're Going A Picnic'n

Have heard nothing from our SW except for an invite to a "placing" picnic. This picnic is three hours away. I have NO IDEA what to expect. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

DH and I are talking about putting on armor. How can we mingle with these children without EVERY SINGLE ONE of them tugging at our hearts? What REALLY are we supposed to do there?

I've heard one person describe it as a "meat market".

I hope to have fun but....... ignorance is not bliss in this case.

I can't stand myself

DH and I are leaving for a tropical isle on Monday morning and all I want to do is throw myself on the floor and scream and pound and kick. Spoiled Rotten.

I want my child!!!!! I want my SW to get back!!!! I want, I want I want. What a frickin' brat I am! I KNOW it! I can't stand myself!!!

I've been reading this book:

Another Place at the Table: A Story of Shattered Childhoods Redeemed by Love

by Kathy Harrison

Good.

I'm off to pout now.

Second Call

Got a call yesterday from a SW from my agency. Not mine because of course she's on vacation until the 20th. She told me she faxed our homestudy to a county looking to place a sibling set of a boy and girl both under 4 yrs. They are being disrupted. The SW didn't seem too informed because she was not at the disclosure meeting. Ummm... who WAS there?

Does this sound a little familiar to you? It should as they are the exact ages and situation as the last call I received. Guess what? All four of these kids are from the same county. Both potential adoptive parents are struggling with the decision whether they want to become parents or not.

I am told that both sets of children are just exhibiting normal toddler behavior but that both girls are a little on the extreme side (I'm thinking attachment problems).

I'm feeling very cautious about this call.

Here are the facts:

They want to move these kids before the week is out, saying they don't want the children to attach to the disruptive parents any more (they have only been there a month or so).

The SW doesn't have any disclosure info on these kids.

They are telling me that this has to absolutely be the last move for these kids as the sister is starting to show signs of attachment issues.

My husband and I are slated to leave for Hawaii (shhhh, don't tell DH as it is a surprise) that I paid for quite a while ago as our last hurrah before becoming parents again, on the 20th, the day MY SW gets back. (I know, I feel totally guilty and selfish and just plain sh***y for saying this)

MY SW called me in a dither last night about 10 pm as she rec'd this other SW's message re: these children possibly being placed in our home. She feels very uncomfortable that she has not been able to meet and observe these children, that the other SW doesn't have all the info, and that she herself has raised a little girl that she adopted as an infant internationally that had mild attachment problems that lasted for YEARS. She has known our family for years (obviously) and does not want the other children to suffer as hers had to. This morning she took over the campground's office to send me these questions to ask, I thought you all might like to have them for yourselves.

1) Why were they taken into the system?
2) What is their placement history?
3) Specifically why were they moved from each home?
4) Describe each child's mood and behavior at waking up, bathing, napping, going to bed, meal times, driving, playing with other children?
5) Do they like to be held?
6) Will they seek out affection?
7) Do they make eye contact consistently?
8) How do they respond when told no?
9) How do they respond when bothered by another child?
10) When they tantrum how long? what techniques have worked to calm them?
11) Do they awake at night? How are they calmed if yes?
12) Do they show preference for either parent?
13) Do they have a favorite toy?
14) Do they disconnect/withdraw emotionally?
15) How much TV do they watch?
16) What % of the day is positive behavior?
17) What is their bedtime routine?
18) How much time have they played with other children?
19) What is their legal status?
20) How loud are they?
21) Is their energy level moderate, high or extremely high? Give examples?
22) Do they play independently? If yes for how long?
23) Do they disrupt other children's play?
24) Can you redirect negative behavior?
25) Are they aggressive towards others?

She also says she does not know why the children cannot wait until she gets back from vacation to meet them.

Here is the biggest red flag for me- my husband who was all for the previous two, really has some reservations about this call and wants to wait for our SW to get back.

I think he may be right. I know this is not true but every time I get one of these calls, it feels like my last chance to be a mother again. I have the HARDEST time saying no.

What my SW keeps telling me though is that of course I want to say yes to all of them but saying yes to an unknown and uninformed (us) sib set is saying yes to what cost? Will this "yes" cost me the well being of my current kids? The well being of my FAMILY?

---------------------

All is Quiet

Nada, Nothing, Zip, Zero-

I realize it has only been a week so..... I just wish my SW would send me an e-mail or a quick call to let me know that she had submitted our homestudy for the children we were interested in... something. She DID call me back and tell me that the people decided to take the other two children that she called me about.

The Family and I went to our orientation for our exchange student last night. My DH decided it would be cool to do that again and we will have a young lady from Japan for a month. There is a family that signed up that won't be here for the first 4 days and my DH volunteered us to host that girl also.

So... you wanna count? I have three children, will have two exchange students, two adults, half the neighborhood kids and a possible placement SOMEDAY, hopefully before the end of the summer. A house full of love, bursting at the seams.

The new neighbors moved in next door. I am so happy. They are awesome. They have a GIRL!!! An oasis in this sea of testosterone neighborhood for my daughter. Just one year older and she is just the sweetest thing. Total tomboy just like Sis. Though they were in the bedroom "styling" hair for an hour.

Thought that it'd be cool for the girls to do this:

Activism Alert

Lemonade Stand and Bake Sales, With a Twist

Mothering allies MomsRising are launching an illuminating new test project, and are seeking participants. The idea is to sell traditional lemonade stand and/or bake sale items using a price list that reflects real-world wage differences: single moms would pay only 60 cents per item, moms would pay 73 cents, women without children would pay 90 cents, and men would pay $1.00. This cost structure is a great conversation starter, as well as tangible way to spread the word about the actual wage gap affecting women and mothers.

This was from the Mothering Magazine E-mail I get every week.

(See link under parenting to the right)

I enjoy it quite a bit. They also have a very interesting forum with topics such as:

Bedtime routines for twins and two year old

Baby dropped and then went back up—why?

Vitamins for toddlers

Do I need a photo ID for a six year old for air travel?

Leukemia and breastfeeding—how can I increase his appetite?

No Phone Call

Well, I guess no news means that the couple decided that they could handle two toddlers. I'm not sure how I feel. Relieved at not reliving the two children in diapers thing though it would not have killed me, or sad at our family still not being complete.

This is where you KNOW I am a desperate crazy woman. I have had a reoccurring dream of a little girl with big black curls and her infant or toddler brother being placed with us. I have decided this is what we are waiting for. I'll tell you a little secret. When I was 15 I dreamt of bearing a child that looked "Polynesian" according to my journal. Looking at my oldest son's birth pictures..... it was him. OK now I've totally freaked you out and you never want to read my blog again.

I wish there was some way to stop this YEARNING.

"Child Availables"

Well......

After a couple hours I find I am able to look at things a bit more objectively. We have been waiting for this day for a long, long time.

*************(We interrupt this post to bring you a call by my SW........)

There are two children under 3 yrs old that need to be placed by Thursday. Would we be interested in submitting our homestudy? Um........ We just signed our homestudy and went through the "child available" binder this morning.

I'll tell you. I like being called about children much better than leafing through a very thick binder looking at the smiling faces of children yearning for a home, some of them teenagers that have been waiting for a VERY long time. There was a sibling group of SEVEN on one page.

So anyway, in the time that DH and I discussed the possibility of our family incorporating these two children into our lives, putting down a pro and con list (sounds cold I know it, but I also know that adding to our family is serious business. You couldn't have been able to cut through the fog of sympathy and yearning and the urge to HELP with that suggestion while I was looking at that binder just hours before though.), another family stepped in, if they decide not to take the babies our SW will submit our homestudy. DH and I looked into each others eyes, squeezed hands and said "If it happens it happens." And he went to get some supplies for his next day of work.

Today was seriously eye opening. This is NOTHING like International Adoption. It is ten times scarier. I can't help but hope... is this why we have been put through the wringer and had delay after delay and the DAY we sign our paperwork we get this call? Like I said this thing is just too scary. I don't WANT to hope. Either way we'll know by Wednesday.

Fluish

Well, it has been making the rounds at my house. I thought that it would pass us by this year. Nope. My active children were down for the count the first hour of their spring break. They are slowly getting out of it. It seems they have no recollection of when they were sick. They have just "lost" that day. I think that is good.

The few times my daughter has been sick, she wants to see the video of her birth. I sat and watched it with her. I haven't watched it in a REALLY long time. She burst into tears when the nurse played the lullaby song after they asked me her name. Every time she hears that song she bursts into tears. She tells me she remembers when they played the song when she was born and that she remembers being really cold and she had a hard time breathing.

When I watched the tape I remember the absolute PAIN I was in and the problems afterward. My daughter did have a hard time breathing, it was a hard labor, I did it all naturally, she was 9 pounds and it HURT!! I had a hard time getting her out. I didn't get to hold her right away as I did with my son as she needed oxygen and "massage".

They say that you forget the pain. I have totally forgotten the pain of my first birth. It was "easy". My oldest son was "only" 8 pounds 3.5 ounces. I had him 15 minutes after I arrived at the hospital. I wish I would have had him at home.

I cannot forget the second birth, the pain, the scare, the severe bleeding after..... my beautiful daughter was totally worth it... but I just can't forget it. Maybe it's because I have a very tasteful but very clear video of it.

Please forgive me on the last post. I didn't realize the video could not be embedded. Here is the URL: International Adoption Workshop . It is only an intro of a seminar by the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center. It just happens to have Dr. Jane Aronson in it. I think it is a GREAT video and pre adoptive parents would be better educated by watching it. Tapestry Books, the people who posted the video, have the whole DVD available on their web store. I have just found them, so I do not have a comment on their service or selection.

In other news:

I have been working a lot with the local Post Adoption Services agency in our area and I am LOVING it!

My SW is on vacation but says my homestudy update is in the works, that means she'll do it when she gets back. Yep, lets hope that letter from Stanford did the trick.

I found out that the two girls I spoke of before will be going to another home next month in the stinky, crime ridden, smog filled valley (I know, it's not ALL bad).

I also leave next month with my youngest to go meet three of his birthsiblings. He is looking forward to riding an airplane again. Last night he told me he also wanted to go to Russia to go see his room there. I told him that he would probably have shared a room with his birthparents and little brother (that was born about a year and a half ago). They have a two room flat.

ALSO next month is my 10 year anniversary!!! Can you believe it? That is two of DH's Dad's marriages (he's never been married over 5 years in his 6 marriages) and longer than almost ANY of MY siblings. And NOBODY thought it would last. DH has stamina and patience he does.

My right arm is killing me as I've gotten a wild hair and completely mopped and polished our wood floor in the great room. I did it by hand and on my knees. I don't know why 'cause I have a stinkin' mop in the closet I found afterward. I guess I AM turning into my mother. I also weeded our entire yard and cut back the damn ivy and the ground cover with the purple flowers the renters planted that I can't get rid of. BRING ON THE SPRING WEATHER!! Yeah!

The School Auction went off very well and we actually MADE some money this year. I found that we have some very talented artists in our community. Sometime I'll tell you about my beloved Paul Newman and how my oldest told me to write him about the auction. (he sent something).

My family is going to be spotlighted in the newsletter of the Post Adoption Services agency (I'm nervous, I don't like it in the spotlight, you should have seen me hiding on my wedding day).

I'm starting to freak as summer is fast approaching and we need to get some money for the trip I booked a year ago. My cousin from Germany will be out as soon as I get back and she wants to go to Vegas and San Fran and... and.... and....

I am having no luck on the weight loss!! I'm bigger than I have EVER been my entire life!!! EVER!!!!!!! I HATE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You feel me?

My youngest turned 5 on the 15th and I am having severe baby panic issues. It would be a total miracle but what if a baby was placed with us? Where did I pack away that crib and changing table? (not that I ever used it, a blanket on the floor is easier).

Anyway- we are off to the kid gym here in town. They've been sleeping for days. There is PLENTY of energy to burn off.

Ta-

My Dream Job: Mom

This blog was started when my life was totally different. I had kids in public school. We were going to adopt a baby girl from China and the wait until referral was 6 months. I had a very successful career in Real Estate and worked more hours than I did ANYTHING else. In fact sometimes my kids called me the daycare providers name. I know now, that I was horribly stressed out, unhealthy and completely self involved in my own advancement within my "circle". I was also trying desperately to please my parents. I needed an outlet.... when I had time for it.

Since the summer of '06, when my left arm was going numb and tingling and the neurologist told me I might have MS to when I was told by my OBGYN that there was something "not quite right" with the results of my tests... my entire life has been turned the upside down.

That day, when my doctor called, has turned out to be the BEST day of my life. I LOVE my life. I really do. I don't have tons of money, I don't care. We are clothed, fed, healthy and have a roof over our heads. That roof has finally become the HAVEN I have always dreamed that it might be . A HOME. My kids run up and down the hall giggling with happiness and mischief. My life is like the bulbs that have come through the frost and snow and pushed up through the earth to bloom in radiant colors.

I have peace. My life is SERENE. NEVER have I been able to say that. Now, I wonder, if that will be enough for my SW. Our homestudy will have to be amended. I will have to ask my doctor for that letter again, and our income is not as outstanding as it once was. We are not paupers, we are like most of America, we are middle-class. Will that be enough to let our family include one or two more children who will be loved and cherished by each and every one of us? I don't know. What I do know is, whatever the outcome, I will be able to make it to the other side. My family will be complete.

Catie Curtis - Long Night Moon

Found this song through the latest issue of Adoptive Families - if you want to hear it there is a link there to listen to it. I like it. Pretty. Folksy. She's an adoptive Mom. She knows what the wait feels like.

Long Night Moon

from the album Long Night Moon

I’ve got a place for you

Under the long night moon

And I’ll dream that I’ll see you soon

Goodnight, goodnight

Outside my back window

The oak tree stands alone

Waiting for a blanket of snow

Goodnight, goodnight

All through the winter

I’ll grow colder here with just your memory

But I know that somewhere you are holding on for me

Throughout the atmosphere

God knows I want you here

I can’t fake this holiday cheer

Goodnight, goodnight

All through the winter I will build my fire in this empty room

But I know you’ll come back when the magnolias bloom

I’ve got a place for you

Under the long night moon

And I’ll dream you’re looking up too

Goodnight, goodnight

goodnight long night moon

by Catie Curtis

Catie has a video up HERE called "People Look Around" filmed in New Orleans.

Did You Vote?

Things I Care About Today:

1. California Gov. Race
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Phil Angelides OR Arnold Schwarzenegger
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

2. I haven't even made it to Review Yet! CCAA probably has my file stuffed some dusty old cavern somewhere reminicent of Gringott's Bank.

3. I'm with her ----->

4. An Open Letter From An American Mother of Russian Children

5. Boys For Sale- Russia's Forgotten Children

Still Waiting is waiting no more

This is a link to a blog of a family waiting for their "10 day waiting period" to be over in Russia. She calls her kids Bonnie and Clyde- love that. This specific post caught my attention because it reminded me so much of my youngest. He had no idea that he could come to my husband and I for comfort. It took him a long time and a lot of work on our part to get him to realize that we are here for him.
This is the first time I met my son. Just looking at this picture makes my heart swell. It helps me know that there is hope- there actually may be a light at the end of this tunnel.


"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
~ Dale Carnegie

5 months in LID Country

I'm reflecting on the last five months of emotional wreckage. Wreckage!! I know it is nothing compared to the people who missed their referral by one frickin' day today!!! Some have been waiting for 14 months. 14 months. It humbles me.

I am at 15 months from the first phone call to my homestudy agency.

One LID group from my agency will get their referrals today. Then..... not until they get to August 24, 2005 with they have more referrals. I hope, HOPE, HOPE, HOPE, that they will get referrals next month-though I seriously doubt it. The CCAA has not done that amount of referrals in a very long time. August 24, 2005 is a HUGE date for dossiers. At my agency alone there are several DTC groups on that date.

I am not even to Review yet! Four more months to go for even that.

I am very reluctant to put much personal stuff on this blog and have kept quite a few things to myself (if you can believe that). This has definitely been an eventful year. An eventful past 5 months.

I'm trying to figure out why these things have been happening. I have had a lot of personal growth the last few months. Some huge life decisions (besides the gigantic one of becoming a mother again) have had to be made. I am in transition. Is this why things are taking so long? I have been reading a lot of memoirs, blogs, etc. and many women around my age (early to mid thirties) have made huge transitions in their lives. Is this when we realize that our careers are less important than the rest of our life? What the hell have I been working for or towards? I am missing my life.

My SW says I need to learn how NOT to be in control. I was thinking. When have I ever let myself not be in control? NEVER. Does that make me less of a person? I used to think that it was a positive thing. I know- really I know this- I can make anything happen in my life. If I set my mind to it I can do it! I have done it. Is this a new level of development? It is a whole new consciousness to know that you can never really be in control? I know I can't be in control of everything- I can't control what others do- blatantly clear to me- but I always thought I could control MOST of the things that I work towards. I don't know- enough of that. I am at a precipice. Maybe not at a precipice- a path that splits into several different directions- I think I'm in control of which one I take. I am aren't I?